Anger, Epiphany, Advent.

ok let's start. let's not put this off like a hundred other things that are so easily sidelined when i don't feel like it. bottom line is, i'm pissed. that sensation of a bitter sting when someone steals an opportunity from you, when you were given a glimmer and hope, just to have it told it was pyrite, bright and glittery, but undoubtedly, fool's gold.


WHY?! do i feel this way when its the most normal of circumstances.
when another group is more active and energetic and knew the person long ago.
then why even bother asking me to follow up.
why grant me that chance at all.
and why am i so upset now.
i have no idea.


perhaps its realizing that those involved are always people who know people. friends bringing in friends. choices made to create a favorable situation. people in the team, chosen by merit or comfort of association? the latter can't possibly hurt. There are many reasons why people don't sacrifice other aspects of their life for acts of service. one is that it seems thankless, for the people you assist and help don't even share that shred of appreciation.

It was made clear at a gathering once that appreciating those who serve along came as a highest priority. for who is human and does not wish for encouragement? which brother or sister feels the pressure and pain and does not wish for a friendly hand in true need?

fighting chance. i believe in that.
we almost lost one.
are we to lose more?
I never noticed it, but only now did i notice the seams of that heartbreak when a cell member said it was... 'sad'.
A fighting chance. is that too hard?
purposeful. tough choices.
what should I do?


I want to look into their eyes and say sorry, i can't get you the environment where you thrive in having friends and going crazy with people you build deeper friendships with. People who have schedules similar and go through what you go through as the weeks go by. I cried to myself when I knew this is outta my hands, the frustration building, the issues linking together in a firestorm getting out of hand. don't be a doormat. respect other's views and demand they respect yours.

I don't want anyone to serve out of compulsion. I know how it feels like. If its an opportunity, make it understood what comes with that opportunity for greater glory. the guts and the gore. the Grace and the Glory.

a fighting chance.
that's all I ask.

A beautiful poem used in the movie an Act of Valor:

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion;respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to foolsand robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.