Motivation/Death

its 3:36am and i'm listening to Israel Houghton's You Are Good on youtube. and its freaking awesome :)

my assignment is on motivation. no surprise, someone made motivation a science. then people expanded on that science and made a few reasonable and generic applications of theories. and wow, we seem to have understood human intrinsic and extrinsic behaviour!

passed up at 4pm. crazy!!

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in between Israel Houghton and the motivation assignment, i finished up on acts and the last day of the 30. just before i woke up in the morning to start writing the assignment, i dreamt that i was about to be sentenced to death, for unknown reasons. some people i knew were there. i was required to write something on a blank sheet of paper and for some reason, i felt that it was writing a last testament of some kind. 'flogment' was a word that appeared on the heading. (now, 'flogment' is not a valid english word at all.) then i woke up, shrugged it off to do my work and then went for cell, and a long day ensued. but...


i felt like i was going to die. the despair.
i felt the moments where your life is doomed.
i think it'll help me appreciate the act on the cross more this Easter.

because mine was a fleeting moment.
His was real.

Day 29-30:The End and the Beginning

so its been quite a while, and much has happened in 30 days :)

the last two themes are somewhat linked- that we are to support each other, and use our gifts for the common good. pretty straightforward, but a hard nail to hammer through to many a sleeping member, tired and disillusioned or not pushing forward. i am, perhaps, less inclined but compelled to say that i am one of those people. to certain degrees, we all are, because we are human. but with God, we are Christians.

and THAT should make the difference!

congrats to those who have finished! *clap clap* but care you to push another 10 days till Easter? refocus and bring forth your best, because He gave His best for you. i hope to do it this time round! sorta like an exciting thing to participate in such a.. wow event !


more things to do offline first. chow!

Day 27-28: Purpose and the Hills

it was an early night- now its an early morning :)

i think one day i want to see how Jerusalem is like. feel the ancient walls and see the landscape. should be a cool trip. except that my passport says that's the only country in the world i cannot enter legally. -__-"

so i have to go bourne in Israel? lol

there'll be some orientation event in the afternoon- somehow i'm nominated to go =P but i dun think the bike is a good idea yet.. i still need to look at the wiring and perhaps change a few things. probably don't want to show up at second service looking like the tribulation just came.

ah, so the sunway place is gonna be offlimits soon - means i'll probably move my stuff over soon enough. things are sorta on hold for now, will all that's going on i think that would be wise.. sort out a few things like assignments and mid semester exams, epf forms, financial stuff.. the like :)


spiritual parent commissioning was done today- it felt weird that only bout 10 out of possibly 100s were there at the sat service. it was suddenly very self conscious. didn't even look at anyone as i thought of the occasion. its another step of commitment :) and i know so much more will happen through the cells- endless possibilities!


guess there's got a long ways mores to go Sir!

DAy 25-26: SeRvicE! UniTy!

'to serve is ministry', so began that day's theme- i looked at it and smiled a little, the things i learnt serving others could perhaps not been learned anywhere else at any other time. the subtle and the small impacts, though some forgotten!

I'm reminded to serve anywhere at anytime- and indeed we all can! in being where you are because no one else can be where you are, at that time, doing what you do ;)


I learned to silence myself even more than i have ever did, tuning in and hearing what can only be picked up when you quiet yourself. control, when emotions seem to overwhelm and opinions seem to override what's important. sometimes its really a relishing thought that i just write knowing that the outcome is probably rambling to some, inappropriate to others and some just find it plainly confusing :)


but i like stories. everyone does. i just like writing my ideas more in prose with... a tinge of speculation. now for crpytic mode, my fav ;)


oh, maybe you should stop reading here =P





i saw the blog finally, and it was fresh, like out of the oven and bursting with flavour- sights and sounds (though i have no audio on) and a myriad of things that were subtle and surprising: because i psyched myself with the fear that i might be dropping off some cliff edge if i had another emotional heartattack. that night's encounter with God came at the spur of the words of grief, countless times when i sought and found none, questioned and was answered by the silence of the night or the cacophony invading my mind. 'everything you do or don't do doesn't seem to matter anymore' were the words that brought about some revelation of sorts. for how long have i slept and wept when the Lord is comforting and waiting on me? yet He is there still in an unbelievable and unbroken promise. in that grief i was touched and the fear wretched out of me- for assurance came in the same room, out of the same theme that plagued and thus came blessing. it would do me good to know in a special, unexplainable to others sort of way, God sat there as i cried with joy in my heart. a long way and who's talking about quiting? that prayer of commitment long ago wouldn't be void even if i had to uproot all that i am comfortable with now and started all over again, and i wouldn't have the same doubts, because the Lord my God is with me. i return to grace and peace of mind knowing full well that i am to fight for the Promised Land, and for a worthy Lord. How grief led to war has been a tale even i am not bothered to tell in detail. such is the assurance! that Jesus surely made me a better man, and i wait upon Him for the plans and pieces of a really interesting walk now :)

day 24: wow.

there are times when you feel that your day is just down down down. and you're tired. and you're stressed by the workload. not so good day.

but there is a time when you feel like what you do or don't do doesn't matter anymore, things just feel wrong. and there's something you need to set right. where no amount of resting can solve it.

i guess the truth is a powerful thing.
perfect love.. driving out fear.

wow.

Day 19-23: random photographs

2am and the rain is NOT falling =(

its either the heat that keeps my voice sounding like kermit, or recovering from fever without enough rest. or BOTH. i plug into abingdon and block out all the sound outside my head- you can hardly hear anything now. i look through photos, random, friends, friend's friends. then i think n rejoin one of those open forum sessions with God in my head.

everyone seems to want to go somewhere and i feel left behind? doctors, engineers, execs. money money money. seem to have forgotten WHY i transfered. because i'm achievement focused? (because i said my 15 seconds of fame was my presidential speech? and that i mentioned getting my scholarship as my best year?) living the old glory days?

i wouldn't have the time to. enjoying myself too much on the side :)
but a part of me still wants to know if i can lead.
dominate the field. know what i'm doing. put my heart and soul into it.
doing it because i want to do it.


nothing much like it. when you know you're doing what you're supposed to do.



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one thing has been on my mind. how do i give what i promised now?
i've gotta make those calls.
overseas and the heaven hotline.

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sometimes i just want to say to heck with it.
but i don't have the heart, because i know it hurts.
and i bloody know how it feels.

bear with it, and do the right thing.
even if all of them made you invisible and can't see beyond.
to heck with selfishness, because you're better than that.
no. because better than that is what you're made for.

because you'll never walk alone.


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“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”- James 1:12

Day 18: search

interesting challenges became apparent to me this season- how am i going to do this, do that, fulfill this, fulfill that. how am i relying on the Lord for promises beyond my capability, and how does that fit into what i should do for Him...? this season itself would be a testimony - less of me and more of Him hopefully.

i actually said my ideal job was a racer today =P somewhere in the middle and not so impossible. and best thing about it is probably.... no traffic jams!

hungry. blocking thoughts outta my head. work coming in soon. easter will be the most busy and quiet season.. it'll be time to decide soon :D

Day 14-17: updates

sometimes i wonder why i am the way i am. why i'm single track when i choose to go through with something, even though it may just be another 'heroically' foolish act. somewhere along the line i probably picked up ideals that stuck with me even though its fool hardy, ideals like chivalry, valor, honor, etc.. though they are scorned upon as unpractical or simply old.

trying to survive on these ideals alone will lead you to realise one thing: that the world is not like that at all. that's when you lose your natural smile. but i guess that's when you realise after genuine trials n tests, how priceless is the joy of the Lord.


doesn't mean you don't get tired and worn out though- the battles will continue! i can never tell if i can make it for the next day's activities (esp ones with responsibility) cause i'm just not sure if i have the physical strength to continue!! God's sustenance has been quite amazing :)


i laugh to myself sometimes and do that stupid grin i can't help making when i hear that small voice trying to kick me in the shin saying: haha you're down and out and spread thin and dying to give your heart out and can't do anything about that girl while there are half a dozen not pretty, but BEAUTIFUL women around you, you dolt.

yes, small voice, i hear you- but so does God on all who call on him?
its just my way of honouring Him and whoever is that future someone..


but it still sucks in a way. hahahaha.
God is teaching me something here.


or maybe i'm just rambling nonsense cause its a most unholy hour to be up.
a new week ahead...........................!

Day 13: Friday

Niveau mondial, world level, strength of the world.

we all see the world as different things, some see it grey, a neutral place of many happenings.. some see it as a place of opportunity, of challenges. some have a darker view, in the light of injustice, persecution, war, famine, cruelty, temptation, insanity.

even when we are soldiers, we forget that we are also children.
while we are children, we also have the victory.
victory at the world level.

because He that is in me is stronger than he that is in the world :)

Day 10-12 : a lot.

Humility, Armour of God, and Makeovers.


i did most of my journal in ink these few days, getting relevant things down and also the surprising load of nonsense that came with it. they didn't do a direct reference to the armour of God found in Ephesians 6- but its just one of those cool metaphors of essentials that every child and soldier of Christ needs to be geared with to do battle.

as i reflect on growth, i've definitely been moving along a line, though i have no idea in which direction or gradient the line is- or the nature of the curvature, etc. i can only hope and pray its in the right direction.. and well, i have a few signs- that i'm probably where i should be :)

but the unknown is space for fear and doubt, if you don't consistently have God shine the way, chances are you'll get lost a little somewhere.

speak of the devil, i encountered much resistance to continue on consistently with fasting for lent- and one thought after the other, the accidents i was involved in the past few months. the phobia is real and a mental drain. at times i felt invisible to people in ministry and the people i minister to. at times it just doesn't make good sense. but i found one reason to be sufficient, that i'm not doing this to just serve people.. and hopefully its just simple that i'm doing this for God, for His people. (or the number of No's would have been exponential?)

but i'm quickly hitting burnout. one lapse in mental concentration and i could fall again, make a mistake. i'm more easily agitated, and i no longer have (so much energy to continue maintaining) the cover of silence to hold my tongue, testing my ability to not just supress emotion but to dissipate it with Christ, much like a solvent needed to neutralize and transform caustic substances. i learn much :)

at some point, it should matter what people think of you. because at some point you should realise you are an ambassador of Christ and representative of the House. so it matters how you influence and carry yourself. a friend in uni today commented on Christian behaviour- reminding me how small our social networks are. and the lives of those outside the sanctuary.

even non-christians know that Christianity at least is a standard that bears goodness.
how more should we show and reinforce that.. that Christ did not die for nothing.



truly, let them who have eyes see!
do you need the Divine ver. Extreme Makeover?

Day 8, 9 - shepherd n ants

i missed the cell multiplication party at mutiara on sunday. i saw from the pictures that some had returned and they were all having fun! i'm sure all will be well :) while they were there, i was having a flu and trying to sing Jesus Messiah! you can imagine the tenor parts with a nasal voice. it was just difficult lar haha- but i wanted to contribute something. Easter is looming!

psalm 23 talks of God our shepherd, who provides abundantly in all situations. rest is something that i'm looking for i guess, feeling a tad stretched sometimes, but i've found rewards not apparent and intangible. bout that... if God brings me to it, we'll work things out, together :)

as for ants, we got work to do.

more later. food. now.

Day 6 + 7 = forgiveness and smiles

uber tired. woke up at 6.50 with a few hours shut eye to drive to cyber- then never stopped going on and on till the spirit left my tired body behind.. at moments i got frustrated in the morning doing the 2 hour drive. my body was adjusting slowly. by lunch which i didn't take, i was reading day 7 on maintaining a happy attitude. endorphins. smiles. the lot :)

i dun have that many ppl who i still hang unforgiveness on already i guess haha

now i just wonder if they'll forgive me if i miss church events tmr.....

:P

Day 5 - Freezing

ok, that's not the theme but the temp :D

i'm chilled to the bone in LT2 trying to catch what Ms Eilene says on stage, and i suspect i'm not the only one. someone decided to be gracious with the temperature today :p when i requested to change tutorials to form a group for assignment, it was a simple 'no', but i hope that something would change- loads of work await me in the coming weeks.

back to the quadratic functions and elasticities of demand! finally reached a part of the syallabus with an element of economic theory- albeit heavily based in calculus and soon, integrals. bah, no more besting by inanimate objects, circumstances and nonsense! :)

i had a really hard time sleeping yesterday. i rolled around in bed for almost 4 hours and slept at 5am. for unknown reasons i just couldn't hit sleep mode. weird? i wondered if it was the new bed, food adjustment, a slight fever or just invasion of thoughts. by God's grace things will be alrighty soon!

they say when you need to call on God you call 333.

its referring to Jeremiah 33:3 - 'Call to me and i will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'

i sometimes wished God would be on 'broadband unlimited' and instantaneous assistance would be there even without you doing anything at all. but if you understoof how data transmission works, you still need to send 'packets' of data to get a response- and thus even if its the fastest link on the planet (Hallelujah!) communication is still very much a two way thing. if not i'd be like... bombardment. but then we are often the ones who slam the door =( yet He doesn't break your door down and point a gun in your face!


thank you Lord for all you've given
grant me the serenity and perseverance to wait for your blessings and breakthroughs
guide me as always, to do what's right
and forgive me, if i slammed that door a tad too hard
remind me that service doesn't mean promise of glory or reward
it means to serve others like you have served me
perfectly!

interlude

from 'As surely as the Sun Rises', A slice of infinity newsletter:

"...On the scene of a people who had lived with God’s silence for 400 years, Jesus suddenly and scandalously appeared like a crocus in a still-thawing ground. There had not been a word from God since the prophet Malachi. The heavens were cold and silent, and hope remained dormant within time’s wintry grasp. But beneath the frozen ground of apathy, sin, and death, the Spirit of God was stirring. Spring was on its way. Lent reminds us to stay awake to the knowledge that this hope is still so: “Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth” (Hosea 6:3). If God is the maker of all creation then every season has a purpose, and today we are waiting for spring.

Of course, the journey to the Cross may take us through bleak and despairing seasons that make sanctification seem an unending winter. But we are being drawn to the very Cross that held the harbinger of spring and the hope of resurrection. As surely as the sun rises he will appear--again."

by Jill Carattini

Day 4 - Softer

the devotional today really talked about something. being softer. a practice that is tough and agonizing for me but completely necessary and constantly practiced. are you afraid of being seen as the pacified peacekeeper instead of the fierce iron fisted tyrant?

today i just remembered to return my old keys to the other tenant, and in the process, tie up the moving out from the house in Bangsar. its a long and boring story, in which i was tempted to shoot some fiery arrows of my own when i got asked to pay up for my internet and return my keys not so politely. in an SMS. just before sat service was beginning.

love is hard to give when the person is treating you with less than love. nothing new.
haha put yourself in Jesus' ____ (boots of divine omnipresence?)
and just wonder what he would want you to do?

but i still wanted to rain arrows on him.
then i stopped.
just another day the enemies are playing their games..
just like you shouldn't and will regret rushing into enemy territory (listen!)
another day, another way.
let him have his say.
we're won anyway.
take it away, take it away...!


on another note, i thought i'd be late for the class in uni today because there was some stalling on the federal highway, and when i reached the 'bottleneck' it was just a few workers patching up ONE hole on ONE lane. maybe its not safe to do it middle of the night? roadkill express perhaps?

consumer behaviour class was interesting- ms Julianna Angeline French let us share in front of the class about ourselves- and lo and behold there were a fair share of christians and others she refered to as 'seekers'. i'm glad and respect individuals who pray for their institutions and take an active role even in their line of work! she's vocal and defies the boring styles- one more reason to remember her name ;)


other than that, its 2 days off official church activities.
praying for breakthroughs!

Day 3 - Loneliness

i did my devotion in the morning of day 3 and read thru the first 2 chapters of acts, (though i just fell asleep and woke in time to drive to uni) and its mentioned that the disciples had tongues of fire and spoke in languages unknown to them, but understood by natives of the language- how cool was that?! if you were the new guy there you'd be like, hey, i'm in the game for good! or not? (o' you of little faith needing miracles :P )

it got my attention that
1.tongues cannot just be gibberish
2.i'm still seeking to be like, 'lightning bolted' by God's presence.





the word 'King' brought up a line i once saw that i found very interesting, and appealed to that little elitist gene present in everyone:

There is a King on the mountain,
and I am he.

but when i think of my own life, which, comparatively, has nothing super-blasting-life-changing-overwhelming-tongue-tying-impact-detonating (comparatively), i thought of adding another line to 'complete' it, the plagiarizer i am (so called by Jon Gan). and it stuck in my mind ever since i thought of it.

There is a King on the mountain,
and I am he,
But there is the King above the mountain
and that is He.

am i 100%, 81% or even 70% secure in Jesus? not necessarily. i fail in keeping a discipline which i know i should. if i was to fight a spiritual war i know i'd be the private floor mopper instead of the champion i hope to be. i'm critical of my brothers though by grace, supression and control are gifts cultivated.

but.. the Lord of second, third, x chances.. just means you keep on trying because He's worthy of praise and worthy of devotion. a commander to lead us to certain victory. what other reason do you need, soldier?

that's the discipline part of the march of the cross ;)

there is of course, love.
and love is a whole book by itself!
dun worry friend... its coming your way.

Day 2 - Vitamins

Psalm119:102-104

¹⁰² I have not departed from your laws,
for you yourself have taught me.

¹⁰³ How sweet are your words to my taste,
sweeter than honey to my mouth!

¹⁰⁴ I gain understanding from your precepts;
therefore I hate every wrong path.

vitamins! kdc seems to be in need of jabs sometimes- but i guess its always worth looking long-term. sow, sow and sow- examine yourself along the way. had a short supper and shee reen will go back to johor again, as will may.

under the what do you think of corporate prayer and fasting in last week's notes, i wrote:
Phalanx.

hope everyone will try their best

new day begins tmr- back to college :)

Day 1 - 2342

Psalm 1:1-3
¹ Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.

² But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

³ He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

meditating on God seems to be, at times, a natural thing to me. conversations with God, letters to God, personal journal sharings, were once all intimate things that are not so constant now. for a long while i had kept to myself, thrown commitments and the 'difficult' spending of time alone with God to a more convenient excuse- that i simply was talking to God on a regular basis, that is, in my thoughts and in my running through of life.

but, the thought also occured to me, that if you treated your girlfriend or person you love like the things that are 'regular' and average, how is that special? how is that tuning in to what they REALLY want to say to you?

and it dawned on me that i cannot do this alone without the overwhelming temptation to cheat my way thru with as much cunning as faith would allow :D so i thought i'd create this blog for accountability, so i hope you can participate and also actively do the 30day devotion and discover for yourself, the state of YOUR personal walk with God.

for starters, i hope everyone around me will find the beauty and strength that is beyond any normal beauty enhancements or strength serums!

i'm gonna fast my free time spent doing nonsense. and cut down on distractions. what are you in for this 30 days?
make sure it counts ;)

But the king replied to Araunah, "No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing." ( 2 Samuel 24:24 - NIV )

Day0 - Godless chatter

If you don't want to hear Godless chatter please skip to another day- this was just to get things off my mind and set it clear for day 1 devotionals :) accountability begins on day 1 :p






indulgence of the carnal:

somehow i just had to write to say something to something and not leave something in my head. the week is hard to unscrew and dissect like you would your favorite toy.

i've begun to find renewed interest in derailing the failures that have set my life in chaos and unproductivity. its time to work on those and ignore the chatter, no matter what it tries to do to me. with God's help of course :)

i've never felt so drained and devoid of emotional extreme for a while. how's that for emo?



Ps.Julie referred to spiritual covering as something that you can undermine- that's scary cause for one, i know how far this can just slip in your mind and be confused with a brand of self rightneous. come now, repentance to revival.



i've given up trying to change the world by my own strength a long time ago, but occasionally thoughts and temptations come up guised in 'righteousness' and 'goodness', when all that should be done is something else altogether. i want to protect those who are out of my grasp for example, or support others emotionally when people actually need time away. doing too much or too little. i want to do just right. it is a sad sad thing for me when i cannot do something to enact change. because the idealistic side of me wants to fight for right and change the world. (and my King would save it).


ah, Lord, who am i without You? Saviour King!
i feel weak as my friend goes through a challenge i cannot help out with, but decisions have been made this week, and i will honour them, believing You will bring the best at the right time. i cannot reach out where i do not belong though i may want to share your challenges. i'm an angry idealistic boy who is made to think i need to be involved with all my friends' lives. and i guess i need to grow up even more.


my commitment then, to log in and be accountable to a close few, and share what is shelled by my calm and quiet demeanor.


religious piety is no substitute for true faith, and so one cannot judge your holiness by appearance and opinion. time to come to a real seeking. my hope is that at the end of this 30days, i'd have a better focus on what God wants me to do, in a Job's world where your friends 'wisdom' might not reflect God's will at all...



do you think Faith is for those who are too free now?
this blog only begins on the next page btw.
:)