Give your heart a break

Guess its about time to put everything into a deep cold, and enjoy the winds blowing my way :)
Nice electric guitar parts!!

Coffee within, Coffee without

Day 1: I survived the morning without a drop of caffeine, the usual liquid boost I expect to keep me up and running. Instead I kept my objective in mind, thinking of what I need to do next.. until lunch that is. guess katsu don n chillies won't help to keep me awake today.

I wonder how the rest are doing.
halfway there. still more to go.

Dare to hope

Lamentations 3:20-23
New Living Translation (NLT)

20 I will never forget this awful time,
    as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
    when I remember this:
22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.

Prognosticator's words

I took the afternoon out to spend time with a friend, sipping warm coffee while the afternoon downpour continued its endless banter. All was silent as let my imagination take me to Gildar Secundus to finish up the skirmishes left undone. For the better part of 3 hours there was nothing but me, coffee and the balance of the galaxy.

Nearing the end of the book, Prognosticator Brand said something vaguely familiar: "those that are most worthy, are sometimes those that think themselves the least so." words to consider.

Just coffee, life, and humanity.

slowcast

As I read back on previous entries I'm surprised at the unusual and sudden moments of emotions that were captured, and how they served as a reminder of emotions invoked. Its refreshing to see things I feel strongly about coming back in a staccato of memory.

Things feel lethargic at times now, the drudgery of doing sometimes too much to bear. No wonder I feel trapped sometimes, lost in the nothingness and inaction, the comfort zone of waiting and taking, waiting and taking. It should strike fear in my very heart that I cannot see very far ahead, a future of darkness cloaking the horizon, which is exactly the view from behind my quiet desk on some days. Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore, really.

What can I possibly do but wait? the least of my non-existent virtues, it tears at me to sit and do nothing. Yet I do not know where to go, who to talk to, what to do. Where do I start to mitigate and manage some change? Where do I start the fight to change, and do I start the fight for change?

Its distressful really, when things with my father are not going that well. For me that is, since he is ever patient and is more than ready to talk. I have neglected the relationship for a while. will need some time on that. can't really move until I get moving and get down to speaking to him.

Exasperating. nothing moves, nothing budges.
Stoning the morning away.

Anger, Epiphany, Advent.

ok let's start. let's not put this off like a hundred other things that are so easily sidelined when i don't feel like it. bottom line is, i'm pissed. that sensation of a bitter sting when someone steals an opportunity from you, when you were given a glimmer and hope, just to have it told it was pyrite, bright and glittery, but undoubtedly, fool's gold.


WHY?! do i feel this way when its the most normal of circumstances.
when another group is more active and energetic and knew the person long ago.
then why even bother asking me to follow up.
why grant me that chance at all.
and why am i so upset now.
i have no idea.


perhaps its realizing that those involved are always people who know people. friends bringing in friends. choices made to create a favorable situation. people in the team, chosen by merit or comfort of association? the latter can't possibly hurt. There are many reasons why people don't sacrifice other aspects of their life for acts of service. one is that it seems thankless, for the people you assist and help don't even share that shred of appreciation.

It was made clear at a gathering once that appreciating those who serve along came as a highest priority. for who is human and does not wish for encouragement? which brother or sister feels the pressure and pain and does not wish for a friendly hand in true need?

fighting chance. i believe in that.
we almost lost one.
are we to lose more?
I never noticed it, but only now did i notice the seams of that heartbreak when a cell member said it was... 'sad'.
A fighting chance. is that too hard?
purposeful. tough choices.
what should I do?


I want to look into their eyes and say sorry, i can't get you the environment where you thrive in having friends and going crazy with people you build deeper friendships with. People who have schedules similar and go through what you go through as the weeks go by. I cried to myself when I knew this is outta my hands, the frustration building, the issues linking together in a firestorm getting out of hand. don't be a doormat. respect other's views and demand they respect yours.

I don't want anyone to serve out of compulsion. I know how it feels like. If its an opportunity, make it understood what comes with that opportunity for greater glory. the guts and the gore. the Grace and the Glory.

a fighting chance.
that's all I ask.

A beautiful poem used in the movie an Act of Valor:

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion;respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to foolsand robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.